I hurt a friend today...
It’s been too long since I’ve posted anything here. I don’t even have to look up the date of my last posting – I know it’s been too long. It’s been a very long year for me. I think that things have been improving around me. Life slowly drifting back toward the way it’s supposed to be. And I know that’s a moving target – the way my life is NOW supposed to be is very different than what it was supposed to be 75 months ago. I’ve been taking baby steps, slowly testing the boundaries of my new life, making mistakes along the way, and trying to figure out ... well, everything.

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Several weeks ago I was in Charlotte, NC for an Avon 2-Day. Had a wonderful weekend – met some great people, wished I could have had more time to get to know some of them. But that wasn’t to be – for better or worse, Northeast Illinois is my home. I’ve left several times over the years, for several months to over a year at a time. Each time, I’ve been drawn home. Even when I really had no home to come back to, the “region” sucked me back in. Even when the weather was frigid, home was warm. Sometimes being home feels like my wings are clipped, but when I’m home is when I’ve been able to fly without a net.

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In the past week I’ve learned that one friend has added to the overcrowding of the earth, and another is 5 months along in that goal. Both pieces of information came with a tinge of sadness mingled with the joy.

With the new birth came the realization that one day prior, several years prior, another life that was supposed to begin, had been lost. With the new joy came sadness for what could have been.

With the other approaching life comes the knowledge that a good team, a well-oiled machine, will be no more. With new life comes new responsibilities, new time pressures, new demands. It’s hard to feel sorry for what will be lost, when the loss comes from such joy.

I know that somewhere within these two joyous events, if I have the courage, are lessons for me to learn.

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Over the course of time, decisions made have direct and indirect consequences. Some times my actions come back to slap me in the face. I hurt me. Some times my actions cause others to be slapped, with or without me even knowing. Is it better that I know due to my actions, others unintentionally suffer? Am I less likely to risk in the future, knowing my past well intentioned acts have had ugly, unintentional consequences?

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Two days ago, for 3 glorious minutes in the chill of the early morning, high in the heavens I watched the ISS streak across the sky. A pointed reminder – anything is possible.

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Today started out as a good day. I have been considering taking advantage of a new opportunity that had presented itself to me. Last year a friend made a choice to walk a different path. With her taking a divergent path, the original path opened to me. Knowing how many times I have agonized on whether to split as well, I decided to call my friend, to see if she had softened, and wished to walk along with me. I felt joy when I learned that I would once again be joined on my path, by my friend.

A short while later I received a follow-up call from my friend, and my joy turned to sorrow. If I had not called my friend, would she still have decided to rejoin the path? Or would she have continued to follow her own star? Was it at my urging that she softened, or was I just fortunate to have talked to her after her own softening? Regardless, today I learned that for her, the path has been closed. The thought that my actions, directly or indirectly, have caused her pain, which is not in dispute, puts in my heart great anguish and distress. Today, with only the best of intentions, I have hurt a friend. For this, I am truly sorry.
- posted by LyleDeck @ 10:25 PM